Gosh, what’s wrong with me?

Mateja Klaric
The Rabbit Is In
Published in
3 min readJun 17, 2017

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Photo: Bfairbridge (Pixabay)

I’ve been praying and asking for a gig and now that I got it I hate doing it, I hate working for money, with no deeper meaning attached to it. Is that how we all feel? How many people hate their jobs nowadays, I wonder.

I guess too many. No, I not only guess, I’ve seen that information quoted somewhere. Forgive me for not remembering where.

What kind of the world we live in?! Frantic, crazy, obsessed, unhealthy. There is no peace, no place to hide, it’s a mad world, where madmen reign. It hurts. How does one overcome that? How does one find peace and stop this crazy insane train and get off it once and for all?

I want to work on my books, I need to work on my books, the words are flowing when I do, but then there is this and that, a gig I prayed for, and not enough time for everything.

It will work out somehow, I keep telling myself, don’t panic, calm down, it will work out somehow, it always did, it always will, don’t panic, calm down.

But there is such resistance, such resistance, that I have to force and push myself to go back to work. And then I sneak out and switch the windows on my laptop so that no one can see and I start working on my book again, feeling guilty for doing it, for making it a priority over a paid gig.

Gosh, what’s wrong with me. It’s as if someone had programmed me to write that book, to write those sequels to it. Was it myself, ages ago, did I put myself on the mission to do it and now cannot let go?

I remember way back when I was child, how I wished I had a manual that would help me live and navigate this crazy world full of insanity and illogical deeds and confusion. Since I couldn’t find one, I’m now writing one myself.

But it’s a weird experience, the book writes itself, I just let it, I just sit in front of the screen and let it flow and I cannot wait to see what will come next and what will the fox do and what will White Rabbit say and how she will react.

I’ve been hijacked by them, and now I have to write what they want me to, what I need to. Is that why I lost my job in the first place, is that the real reason behind it all (I know how crazy this sounds, I do, fear not, I question my sanity too)?

I keep thinking about J.K. Rowling (I know, we all think of her, we the writers who still have hope), her example is so bright, I keep thinking how she was in a position much like mine and I wonder, would have she ever been able to write what she did had she had a job and a happy marriage?

Could she still do it if she weren’t robbed of everything first, pushed into a corner and left with nothing but this insane need to WRITE, WRITE, WRITE, write what you MUST, what you NEED and HAVE to!

It’s and order, do you hear me, it’s an order I say!

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Mateja started to write short stories at the age of ten and later became a freelance writer, radio personality, and explorer of the inner worlds. Her life resembles a roller coaster ride full of ups and downs and some pretty wild turns. Among other things, her car was destroyed by tanks, and she survived several brushes with death. She graduated in psychology from Arizona State University and is deep into the weird. Connect with Mateja on LinkedIn.

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