Parts of My Transition, 1 and 2
Patsy Starke, first posted on Facebook
So here’s the skinny on some changes I’ve made to my profile. I am moving forward to affirm my Identity. The one I kept secrete for 57 years. This is not something one wakes up to one day and decides, I think I’m going to be a girl. For me, this is something I ran away from, from the beginning. The decision I made finally was, to not die. In order for me live I had to stop suffocating my true self. In so many ways it is harder to move forward than to go back. I face more obstacles now than when I was in the closet. What I had while in the closet was absolute darkness. At least by being outside of the closet I can now clearly see the obstacles I’m facing.
This is not a perfect world. Bigotry and hatred still exist. I see it now more than ever. No more darkness for me. My eyes are wide open. I used to see people like me, people who are not the so called “norm.” I judged them. I was afraid of them and I hated them because I was just like them. difference was that I was hiding and they weren’t. I tried to change through therapy, church and self denial that was futile. I thought I was evil or possessed. I would cry so many time to God. I always felt judgement and wrath. However it wasn’t God’s. It was the religious leaders, the evangelicals. I know God loves me now. He always has, just the way I was then and am now.
I know I don’t have to, but I wanted to explain to my family, friends and loved ones here. I’m not apologizing for moving forward. Sort of just letting you all know that’s what I’m doing, is moving forward. To where or whatever? only God knows. I’m just trying to finally match my body and appearance with the same soul and spirit that has accompanied me through this life. Everything seems a little awkward right now. Every time I share these changes, I get a little afraid of rejection, judgement and even humiliation. But that is the barricade that kept the closet door shut for so long. I will continue to love and care the way I always have. Those who need to can let me go as a friend or even family member. However I will never stop loving you. May we all continue to find peace within ourselves and each other as we “trudge” along the road to our destinies. God Bless you all.
This was almost one year after starting HRT with Estrogen
Dear Friends,
Almost 2 years ago I started transitioning from male to female on hormones and other procedures. Selfishly, it was the happiest day of my life. It was a dream I thought would never happen. The cost to me has been so much more than I can bare at this point in my life. Although I feel more hopeless than ever I am not suicidal. I just don’t have enough left in me to do it. So why am I posting this on FB?
To my accusers and judges of inappropriateness, I apologize. Today the last dollar was taken from my bank account to pay the last bill I can afford to pay. When I saw this, everything inside me was also depleted.
I have lost two jobs in the last year related to being transgender. My gender issues have triggered my major depression to the point where I was hospitalized and upon discharge required case management that is ongoing.
I truly have lost all hope. I am not really looking for anything and my pride, good or bad will not let me accept anything. So please don’t offer. I have sought to work but can’t seem to complete the application and interview process. I am an RN and I guess nobody trusts me. Nursing has been my world and I don’t know what to live for without it. As I said, I am not going to commit suicide. However, I have been so physically sick, I wonder if I will survive. My FSBS are greater than 300 typically, my vision has become worse. I have chest pain every day and no longer care about taking care of myself. One good thing is they approved me for Medicaid but is not active until March.
I have lived through mental illness since childhood and survived. I often think of the movie, “A Beautiful Mind,” and wonder why I can’t find a place like that, where I can be productive and still help people and in times of crisis, get treated, then come back. I am so tired and weak now and just don’t have it in me to start over anymore.
Can an empty vessel fill itself?
Oh well, I’ll probably lose more friends and gain more criticism for posting this. Don’t really talk to many people now days cause I’m so afraid I’ll start crying and won’t be able to stop.
I wish in many ways I could go back. But in my life, going back just means the same.
You have all been so wonderful to me. Please stop all this hate in the world. That hurts a lot of people. Some of us don’t seem to be able to fight back very well.
This was my recent post on Facebook this past week. A beautiful friend has loaned me enough money to get by for another month or maybe a little longer. This is my story. Sometimes I just don’t know where I fit in this world anymore. I won’t dare give up though, I promise and if I keep promising, I know I’ll make it. Thank you Mateja Klaric for publishing this.
Patsy, 2018
